agent_squeaks: (Default)
So, I've haven't updated this in a while. S'pose I should probably explain why:

Cut for mental health/emotional triggers )

Meetings!

Nov. 2nd, 2010 01:36 pm
agent_squeaks: (Default)
My therapist recommended I get in touch with the trans* male professor on campus. I did, via e-mail, and we set up a meeting for yesterday.

Conclusion: oh my god he is amazing and hilarious and I want to be him when I grow up [minus the balding. :p]
He is also on-board with my idea of starting up a group just for the T part of biGL(t)M.
[because we really do need one. supposedly there are 3-4 more trans* people than the two they always talk about *cough*me/C*cough* but but I don't see them. they don't come to meetings, they don't come to events, I can only hope they've joined the FB group.]

Last Saturday [the 30th] I also had a visit from my mother/brother/the boy [<3]. Yeah, seven hours of being called her name? Not good for my mental health. At all. It didn't escalate [from nail-digging-in and hair-pulling-out] only because the boy would have noticed and then would have probably dragged me to the hospital-and he would have been sad and scared and I hate having him worry about me when he shouldn't have to. [he did however drag me around wal*mart and called me "puppy". :D]
agent_squeaks: (Default)
i want them to take me seriously. they don't they really really don't none of them do. i was right there next to them with them and they juts kept talking about trans women i was right there!!1!! even she did and and she's up there talking about how she thinks everyone sees her as genderqueer and how she's upset by that she has no they don't they don't say her name like it's not real they don't say her pronouns like it's a game they don't make jokes about her. they know she's fuking transsexual they don’t insinuate that she's faking it they don't. and i know i should've said something but i just couldn't and i should have. i should have they're not getting a dime of my money ever
agent_squeaks: (wangst)
damn it yesterday was just fuckig amazing. but today teh dysphoriia's returned and ugh it's just weighing me down like i've got lwead wings but yesterday i had feathers and it took me like thirty minutes to pick out a shirt this morning and not even the binding is helping and i'm even packing today and it's reassuring to feel that weight between my legs but but it's not enough it's not and i even when i can tell i'm being read as male [girls look at me warily] it doesn't lessen it and arghh. tomorrow i need to go to the pysch ceneter and set up an appouintment. i need one. i should do it today but i won't have enough time between classses and whinee nnot even music is helping that much and god i wish there weren't other people in this office so i could sing out loud
agent_squeaks: (wangst)
i need to i can't stay in this house i can't it's not good for me at all. but but i don't want to leave i don't know where i'd go



trust me

i want to get out of this skin [and no matter how hard i try ican't]
agent_squeaks: (Default)
wearing bras-even 1 size too small sport bras- make me all twitchy and whiny and unhappy. hmmm, thankfully I'm B-cup [and i wear a L]so they're relatively hidden. but i do need to do something about the binding sitch. maybe try that tanktop again see what that does. or the pantyhose top i made. that shouldn't be too bad.

it's funny

Jun. 29th, 2010 11:34 am
agent_squeaks: (Default)
how the little things can make one get all dysphoric and twitchy and unhappy.

[or arghflx i've had to wear her underwear these past couple days and i can't pack in them ('cause they're all silky smooth back when i overcompensated] and it's driving me fucking nuts and i hate it hate it hate hate it) though my mother did give me a bunch of her sports bras-which and they're a bit too small-makes them great for binding. but they're uneven 'cause of that frickin huge scar on my chest and i hate cause everytime i look down i can see that imperfect line and it's driving me fucking crazy and i cn't fucking stand it and

it's been about a month since i came out to them [as non-binary trans*, at the time i was] and my mom hasn't mentioned anything to me. i know these things take time but still...and i know she knows i changed my name on facebook but she hasn't mentioned that and damn it i want to come out to them but the denial they're going through is making me not want to -well not to them, to people they're friends with, yes-and i

think i may have officially come out on facebook. with a link. this should be fun.

[the link in question: http://transmanletters.tumblr.com/ ] (yeah, i'm the first letter. ^_^)
agent_squeaks: (wangst)
never have i been more grateful i can't find that knife in my bedroom

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