agent_squeaks: (Default)
[among other things-respect/how a lot of my "friends" are douchebags]
i was thinking of how I could explain being trans* to well, any one not trans*/not as well-researched, i suppose. and well, this is the result.

Imagine you wake up in a body that just doesn't feel right. And I don't mean like your nose feels too big or you hate how your eyes look. I mean nothing feels right. Not the shape, not the height, nothing.

Now imagine that you go outside of your room. And everyone you see, from your family to strangers on the street, they all treat you like you belong in that body-the one that doesn't feel like you.

And at first, you can handle it. It sucks, yeah, but it's manageable.

But then, then it stops being manageable. Then you can't handle it and you realize that this body didn't just not feel right; it wasn't right.

So, you start doing stuff to change it into a body you can live with. Now whether that's growing your hair out, cutting it short, letting your nails grow, stuffing your chest, stuffing your pants, a newish wardrobe, doesn't matter. The point is that, slowly, you're starting to realize you can live in this body, that those horrible awful feelings can be lessened.

And this is just a wonderful feeling. Like everything just feels so much better, people comment on how you seem happier. Because you are. You are happier.

But, well, remember those people we talked about at the beginning? Your family, friends, all the way down to strangers on the street? Well they see you're changing, they can see that. The physical, at least. And you tell them about how you're happier now and how you've never felt right but now, slowly, surely, you're starting to.

But they don't see that. They don't get it. And they ask questions but they're not the questions you have answers for. They're not the questions you expected ["how could you do this?" "how long have you known?" "what's going to happen?"] not those questions, the questions you can answer.

And whenever you try to answer those question, they complain. Because your answer wasn't adequate for them. Because your experiences, your life wasn't good enough for them. And those questions don't stop. Oh, no they're not asked directly anymore. But you can see it in their eyes when they look at each other after you've corrected someone. You can hear it in the their hesitation when they say your name. You can hear it in the way they don't use pronouns anymore around you. You can feel it in how they ignore you, even when you're sitting right there next to them, practically screaming at them to notice you.

But they don't notice you.

May 2015

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