agent_squeaks: (Default)
girl in my Stats class:
"I know a couple Callums but they're boys. But i guess Callum could be a girl's name."
"oh it's a boy's name. *grin* That's why I picked it."
"Oh. Oh. *smile*"
agent_squeaks: (Default)
writing the letter really kinda hurts. having to go through and remember all the stuff they've said to me [the people i thought would support me the most!] all the ways they've said it. that kinda hurts.
[thankfully i am obsessive about chronicling every horrible thing they've said to me on here.]

i defriended 30+ people on facebook-most of whom were bigltm people. and left the facebook group/deleted all the posts i'd made on it. felt good.

hmmm, happy things? oh i went to the football game yesterday. :) got horribly sunburned but homosocially bonded with the guy I was standing next to. ^_^ [oh, hey any cis*/fellow trans* guys/people who used to ID as guys, is it normal for college-age people to address girls as "man"? i get the feeling it's not but my game mate also called me "babe".]

i asked Matt Kailey [author of "Just Add Hormones" and generally a completely awesome guy] about the bigltm issue and he responded!!!! :D [link:]

Good bits:
Good for you. I’m really glad that you are pursuing this. It takes a lot to do that, but that is how change comes about.

Thank you for your kind words. I’m flattered and glad that I could be of help to you.

And thanks for what you’re doing at the college. I am really looking forward to seeing what happens. Good work.

*giddy hero-worship.*

and, in my creative writing class, the teacher-who is amazing about all of this and apologized profusely when I mentioned to her about the pronouns-has basically given me carte blanche to write about trans* issues, all under the guise of fiction. [the piece i'm working is actually shaping up to be pretty interesting- so far it's about the impact being found out/coming out as trans* has on a relationship (and yes i am aware those two aren't always the same) and it involves cher.]
agent_squeaks: (Default)
had my first therapy appointment in six years. i destroyed a ton of tissues and broke down sobbing [as a result my left eye won't stop twitching though thankfully i don't use it to see]. he brought up some interesting parallels between my struggle with my mother's breast cancer [don't worry, she's all done with that stuff now] and my coming out as trans*. and that both involved for me, at least, a lack of respect from people that should've had it. or something like that.

but i did promise happy news and that is that the entire Carruth center [psychological student health, where i go] knows me as Callum-it's even in their computer system!! -which I found out when I went to check in. :D

so, um

Aug. 25th, 2010 05:04 pm
agent_squeaks: (Default)
i was on the prt [it's like a monorail except smaller and it frequently breaks down at the most inconvenient times] this afternoon. Standing because I didn't get to a seat in time. so anyway, i'm holding onto the pole and there's this other guy standing next to me. he keeps looking down at me and then i figured out what he was looking at. i was holding a copy of Transgender History.

however anon boy on the prt, that does not give you license to stare at my crotch [even if it's bigger than yours]. kthanks.
[thankfully, i was packing today and wearing a pair of girl!jeans.]
agent_squeaks: (Default)
I changed my voicemail message on my cell phone. The old one? I sound like a boy just going through puberty-though with a ton of female inflections. The new one? Well, now I sound like a twelve year old boy further along during puberty. Score!

Also tomorrow is going to be the "go to the psychologist and set up an appointment" day.
agent_squeaks: (happytimes)
A) Went to Wal-Mart tonight. I got read as male. In the deodorant aisle! While he was right next to me! :D [We were discussing Old Spice scents.]

B) Got a sparkly pretty old-school Lisa Frank pony notebook/folder. [It's interesting; I've always liked bright colors but since coming out that love of bright colors has intensified.]

C) Oh man my roommates are going to think they're rooming with a gay guy. ;) All the sparkly stuff and bright bright shades of pink.

D) my mom gave me fashion advice. [I found a men's dress shirt at the thrift store, light yellow-which apparently looks good on me-and was trying to figure out which pants it could go with. [consensus: the khakis and the brown corduroys] and mentioned that when I wear the shirt, that i should wear it tucked in. She's never given me advice like that before other than general 'yes that looks good. here try this style/cut/color.'] so progress, I guess?
agent_squeaks: (Default)
despite being the youngest one there by about, oh, 10-30 years. [well minus the kidlets. :p]
It was fun. I wound up not wearing the trunks-they do actually need to be washed/find some way to pack w/o wearing underwear.

I also apparently don't pass as well as I thought I do, as I got called "she" often. [they were politely corrected though.] I was even binding-for the first time in months. :(
Walking through the [empty] women's locker room interesting experience [and not a pleasurable one]-I don't pass well enough/am not emotionally ready for the men's locker room-so that was my only choice lest I want to hop the six-foot fence.

Also managed to renew my attraction to older women. ;) [This time she has a daughter who's also most likely older than I am.] And tried really hard to not flirt with the cute new boy.

All in all, though good time, good food, great group of people. :)
agent_squeaks: (Default)
when, in target, i get weird looks for eagerly reading cosmo.
[i was also reading seventeen.]


Jul. 22nd, 2010 12:49 am
agent_squeaks: (Default)
why am i breaking out?? i'm not on my period and my fricking face is covered in pimples like some 13-year old boy's. ugh.
and there's a blister on my lip. a couple blisters.
pimples on both side of my face. some kind of weird 'fever blisters' on one side and...something on the other side.
i haven't changed my diet.

also this documentary took a turn for the depressive. before it was just a little annoying [The Opposite of Sex: Rene's Story]. i much prefer Jamie's Story.
agent_squeaks: (one for the stupid people)
"Instead the media tends to not notice-or to outright ignore-trans men because they are unable to sensationalize them the way they do trans women without bringing masculinity itself into question. (Julia Serano The Whipping Girl 46.3)"

Quick! help me sensationalize the trans male experience[s]!

First shot [of course] "before" photos. the more feminine the better am i right?
[of course i'm right]
over the photos there could be a V/O either the typical "man trapped in woman's body" or ooh, "growing up i was always a tomboy, just one of the guys" [those trans males who never really had any thoughts on gender until their late teens/early twenties? oh they don't exist.]

then daily routine time! while our sisters have the long scenes of them putting on make-up/hosiery/whatever, we can have...breast binding scenes? picking cornstarch out of our pubes [your mileage may vary on this one]? wiping cornstarch on our pants [oops]?
Oh i know! binding [with bandages! of course. sports bras/tanktops don't add the same je nais se qua.] and just for fun, packing. [with one of the big soft ones-for the cornstarch scene] and as it's "inserted" cornstarch flutters down to floor onto a "before" photo until it's completely obscured. {cue: door shuts]
^that is Oscar-bait right there [bonus points if the lead's played by a cis*male.]

And we have to have like an hour or something devoted to showing us working out. all the time. and downing protein shakes like they were water. yesss. and then the lead flexes. [and sneaks into a locker room. for some reason. drama?]
[of course we only show muscular he-men. the femme trans guys don't exist.]

and, if we're going the indie movie route, we can have a discussion on pissing standing up. as you always do. [STP vs. just going in a stall vs. women's bathroom! it would be epic.]

instead of star wipes we can just have drawn penises be a scene changer. y'know for...the Freudian viewpoint.

hmmm, what else? oh! summertime! full of layers. lots of layers. and sweat. personal experience? no why what makes you think that?
agent_squeaks: (Default)
Coming to me [at some point] are:
The Whipping Girl Julia Serano
[Finally reading it after like two years of friends going 'omg! read this read this read this!!!']


What Becomes You Aaron Raz Link
[looking forward to WBY because that's got a section from his mother that I think I might make my mother read.]

[minor complaint: where are my FtM narratives where the MC transitioned before 30? Or the ones where they didn't always feel like a boy? not because they weren't trans* but because they never thought about gender (aside from that feeling that something just doesn't feel right but you just don't have the words to describe what that feeling of wrongness is).]


Jun. 26th, 2010 12:50 am
agent_squeaks: (Default)
How do i know I pass?
When my parents introduce me as their daughter and whoever they're introducing me to just looks at me in disbelief.

[thing I am not looking forward to: cousin's-I think- graduation party tomorrow evening. I'm tempted not to go.]


Jun. 20th, 2010 12:18 am
agent_squeaks: (Default)
looking at photos of Aaron Tveit-b'way star, most recent was Next To Normal- i feel this mix of envy and lust. it's interesting. [i want his abs. and deo volente, I'm going to get them.
of course working out also gives me that wonderful blissful smell. so that's another bonus. ^_^

before, when i looked at female bodies it was always just lust [if i did at all, i usually prefer ogling people in real life as opposed to photos. ;)], unless they were particularly masculine.
agent_squeaks: (Default)
Guess how many articles of women's clothing I'm wearing today?!

[Here's a hint: NONE!]

And I'm finally packing again. :D

And Aaron Tveit-especially in Next to Normal? I wanna look like that. So. Much.
agent_squeaks: (Default)
First trans question on my formspring [link: ]

"Wait so you ID as male. Did you have a sex change operation? Going to? Considering it?"

I don't mind the first part but that first question? I started laughing. Was tempted to answer yes
[in a couple months, yes, yes I did. :p]

(question before this:
"are you lesbian or bi? just curious

Considering i ID as male, this question should probably be asking if I'm straight.
But, I'm bi. I still find other guys attractive but right now I'm leaning more towards women. [Of course, sexuality, like most things is fluid.]"]
Also, just passing this along:

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