agent_squeaks: (clue-by-4)
Hi. We've known each other for a good while now. However you seem to keep forgetting you're not the only trans* person in the group [although I now longer come to meetings as I feel the group does not adequately meet my social support needs but that's beside the point]. Here's a hint: you're not.

This "gender identi-tea party/discussion" they're throwing tonight was most likely not done just to appease you. There are other angry trans* people in the group-well, one at least. Yeah, that's right. Me.

Looking forward to reminding you of that fact tonight.

seriously

Oct. 7th, 2010 07:08 pm
agent_squeaks: (wishlist)
you follow me into JACS [convenience store on-campus] and beg me to come back? "come back to bigltm, Callum! we miss you! please come back!"

not "we're sorry" not "i'm sorry" no just "we miss you" miss having an "acceptable target" more like it.
[As if a simple apology could really erase having the one place I didn't expect to find resistance, the one place I had hoped would give me unconditional support, to have that yanked away from me.]

And you expect me to say yes after all the crap you put me through? The only thing that kept me going this past summer was coming back here and having the people here support me. And you know what? They didn't. They ridiculed me, they demeaned me, they insulted me, they didn't listen to me at all.

what i said: "maybe" what i wanted to say: "Fuck you."
ugh.
agent_squeaks: (Default)
[http://agent-squeaks.dreamwidth.org/26030.html]
i found out what the officer said:
"That's how she identifies. She wants to be called Callum."
*sigh*

and the other trans* person is bitching because they've assigned her the "token T"position in the group. [and, yes i was an ass and commented with: "at least they treat you like a T". she has not yet responded.]

and i know at least one of the officers got the letter I sent- the PR rep who hasn't actually done anything-but I have no idea what they did with it. (my guess? probably read it then tossed it in the trash.]

so i

Sep. 24th, 2010 08:21 am
agent_squeaks: (Default)
sent out the letters wednesday. to every officer, to both advisers, and to the head of Student Orgs.
haven't gotten a response yet-from anyone- and to be honest there are times where i fully don't expect a response from the officers.
agent_squeaks: (Default)
I mean I knew coming out would make my life full of dicks but I didn't expect them all to be within biGLtM.

In retrospect, I probably should have, yes. Probably. But some part of me was just like "sure they're asshats about my sexuality but they're generally okay with the other trans* people (all like what one of them?). I can't imagine why things would be different for me."

But they are. :(
[I remember when *the only other out trans* person* came out; and no one said the name she wanted with disbelief or like it wasn't legit or like she didn't deserve it or in that stupid condescending tone.]


But I do deserve it; I deserve to be treated like a human being, like it's always been my name. I deserve not to treated like I don't know what I want. I deserve to be listened to in the one place that's supposed to be a safe space. I deserve to have my preferences respected. I'm sick and tired of always being the butt of every joke, even -and especially- to my face.

Look

Aug. 30th, 2010 12:33 pm
agent_squeaks: (clue-by-4)
[have you known me for three years? technically yes] However you were at the meeting last week. When I introduced myself as Callum. not her name, not her other name. As Callum.

[And then when i corrected you as regards to my pronouns, you just smiled and didn't use them for the rest of the conversation. And yes, other people in the office i saw you two glance at each other when i corrected him.] Thanks. Thanks for that.
agent_squeaks: (Default)
"
I'll have to look over this more in detail and consult with some people. Frankly, I'm not sure what I can do in this situation, but I will sure as hell do all I can.

As for not attending BiGLTM, that is a loss not only to the group but to yourself. It is important that you keep yourself within the community - through the good and the bad. It's not always going to be easy, and you shouldn't let one asshole keep you from doing what is imporant to you. If nothing else, your presence will show perseverance through strife, as opposed to just giving up and letting hate win. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself - complain in the meetings. Make it plain. Silence is the enemy.

And we'll deal with the fallout when it happens. Never let them get to you -
"
*grin*

[hate to tell sam but when countless people who don't know you read your words and say 'damn that's offensive.' you should probably try to reword things.]
agent_squeaks: (fuckbitches)
[via fb chat because apparently my message was like four paragraphs long so he didn't bother reading it.]
So i confronted our president about the hurtful Formspring questions and got this:
"Every time you post something incredibly stereotypically t.v. based male, I twitch a little. If you think learning to tie a tie and doing pushups makes you male, then you have a long transjourney ahead of you. We have some other transitioning people coming in to BiGLTM this next year and if you bring up trans-ideas without thinking about where they come from, I guarantee someone will call you out on it. I fully support every trans-person's journey so I suggest you don't try to take more out of this than necessary."

I just I've spent the last 30 minues crying. He was a good friend and to have him say this kind of stuff-it hurts. It fricking hurts.

[And yes, I am writing an e-mail to my advisor and yes he has been defriended on facebook.]

last night

Jul. 14th, 2010 05:33 pm
agent_squeaks: (Default)
[all right technically it was at 2:30 this morning]
I sent this to our president:

"So I've been getting some rather worrisome messages in my formspring lately [messages like "I'm a little confused. How does being a transmale disable you from participating in feminist arguements? Male posturing hurts males as much as it does females. Why do you go for the stereotype to "pass" when there is a gamut of male identities?" and "No one's dismantling your gender identity. You probably shouldn't beg the question then use a series of logical fallacies including poor me. If you're going to post trans theory, you need to be able to critically evaluate it as such."].

And since then I've been going through the friends who were online when got that string of messages and you were one of them and I just wanted to rule you out."

If I don't hear anything from him, silence is pretty much an admission of guilt, right?
agent_squeaks: (fuckbitches)
"Well, since you've devolved to childish pedantry, I'll stop by again when you're willing to legitimately explain your arguments using a real system of definitions and qualifiers."

I'm done. If this is what the president of BiGLTM does in his free time. I'm done with the group.
[Also, I am sorry, asshole, that I got a little defensive when my identity is being attacked and i'm being told I'm a stereotype.]
[Also I think he insulted me with that "real system of definitions and qualifiers"]

Oh wait. here are words:
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? MY gender identity is being dismantled and invalidated and disrespected all by some pretentious pseudo-philosophical thinks-he's-so-smart gay male who doesn't respond to *anything* I've actually said, focusing on his own arbitrary definitions of male/female, dragging feminism into this discussion where it had no place being, who displays a terrifying lack of empathy and respect for trans* people.

And what exactly do you mean by "a real system of definitions and qualifiers"? I'm sorry your ability to search terms is limited; perhaps next time I can provide you with handy definitions. I felt I made my point perfectly clear. The least *you* could do is answer my question. *WHAT* stereotype am I assuming? Do let me know. I want to know what you think my gender identity is because as a cisgender person you obviously have a better handle on other people's gender identity than themselves.

"No one's dismantling your gender identity. You probably shouldn't beg the question then use a series of logical fallacies including poor me. If you're going to post trans theory, you need to be able to critically evaluate it as such."

Just. STOP. It.
I wasn't academic you pedantic ass. You were. You never actually responded to anything I said.
"And people pick up on those markers-it's called ungendering by the way-and that affects how I am treated. In an instant my preferred pronouns are no longer used and the atmosphere has changed because, according to those people, I am not a "real" man."- This is totally an example of hardcore trans* theory right here, what with all the personal pronouns and shit.

Oh and this one:
"Because looking like a gender physically and not matching at least some of the social markers for that gender (or, worse, matching most of the social markers for the other gender) is a fairly reliable way of having people make you at the very least miserable for not matching their expectations of how the world is?

Because in society we rely on secondary gender markers to tell what gender someone is rather than pulling down heir pants.

Because every time a transsexual looks in the mirror and sees the "wrong" sex, and even worse every time a transsexual is clocked in public, it feels worse. Physical surgery only goes so far in avoiding this; social gender constructs are much more powerful cues, and a transsexual is almost certainly going to have been raised being taught the cues and constructs for their birth-assigned sex, not their true gender. This requires conscious effort and re-training in order to associate with society."

Oh yeah, gender dysphoria/dissonance? Totally just theory.
[It's okay y'all. Just theory. When I relapsed a week ago and tried to disfigure my chest-I was just demonstrating a theory. I wasn't trying to get rid of one thing society keys me into as female, no not at all.]
agent_squeaks: (Default)
Ugh.
"I'm a little confused. How does being a transmale disable you from participating in feminist arguements? Male posturing hurts males as much as it does females. Why do you go for the stereotype to "pass" when there is a gamut of male identities?"

[There's. A. Fucking. Space. In. Trans. Male. DAmn. IT.]

Can i just whack him over the head with something now?

Or i could get nasty:
A. It's trans male. With a space. It is also argument.

B. Do tell me what stereotype I am going for. I would *love* to know how you see *my* identity. Please, please cissplain it to me; I have no idea what my own gender identity is!
agent_squeaks: (Default)
to this:
"What about the entire point of feminism or at least, the combating of misogeny in its many forms? How can you say gender is a biological construct, then say social gendering is what makes you male or female?"

A. As a trans *MALE* feminism doesn't even need to enter this conversation. Also, it's misogyny. If you're going to pretentious and pseudo-philosophical, you could at least learn to spell properly.
[If you are curious about transgender politics and feminism, may I suggest you find a copy of Julia Serano's treatise Whipping Girl. It would help answer some questions you seem to have.]

B. *Sex* is a biological "construct". Gender [and especially gender markers which is what started all of this, by the way] is a social "construct". A powerful social construct.

C. In this society, social gendering *does* make one male or female. Because we are socialized to assume that certain gender markers are the difference between men and women.Because, as much as I can look or act "male" there's always going to be some marker -whether it be my voice, my hands, my feet, the way I act when I'm excited, the way I walk-that gives me away. And people pick up on those markers-it's called ungendering by the way-and that affects how I am treated. In an instant my preferred pronouns are no longer used and the atmosphere has changed because, according to those people, I am not a "real" man.
agent_squeaks: (clue-by-4)
"If the point of trans-surgery is to emulate a biological male, then why are you touting social gender constructs as a way to "pass"?"

I just I I....this is ridiculous. [dear internet where are my death lasers?]
I want to know who this is now [so i can beat some sense into them].
The only answer I want to put is "Fuck. You. It's *my* life not yours so STFU."

people are motherfucking stupid sometimes.
[any other answers are most welcome, by the way.]

And again:
"What about the entire point of feminism or at least, the combating of misogeny in its many forms? How can you say gender is a biological construct, then say social gendering is what makes you male or female?"

*sigh*

[And with this question we've pretty much figured out who it is. And I'm really dissapointed in him. He's the fucking President of BiGLTM. He should know better than to ask these frickin' questions.]
agent_squeaks: (Default)
I finally answered that fricking annoying Formspring question

"By doing "manly" things [though I'm not sure what you exactly mean by that] I am helping to ensure that I am seen as a cis*male. Also the phrase biological male? Kinda offensive.

I am also curious as to how exactly I am conflating socially constructed gender and biological gender-I really don't think gender is the word you want there."

Eagerly awaiting a response.

*bounce*

Jul. 9th, 2010 12:12 am
agent_squeaks: (Default)
I got called "SIR" today when we were at 7-11!!!
[in the phrase, "sir you forgot the croissant" but that had already been paid for.]

YAY!!!!!
And I bought some more briefs [<3] and a cheap shirt-and a tanktop/bra thing I'm going to be using to bind. though it's bright pink and I figure it's a happy color that it'll lessen some stuff.

Except we were in IKEA and someone kept calling her name. Yeah it took me like 5 minutes before I realized she was talking to me.

And then I got this question in my Formspring:
"Why are you conflating socially constructed gender and biological gender? Does being a trans-man entail doing "manly" things, or does it entail existing as a biological male?" What. The. Fuck. does that even mean? Urgh and I have no idea how to answer it and actually i do have a way to answer it.

By doing "manly" things [though I'm still not sure what you mean by that] I am helping to ensure that I am seen as a cis*male-p.s. that phrase? Kinda offensive.

I am also curious as to how exactly I am conflating [bringing together] socially constructed gender [*eyeroll*] and biological gender I really don't think gender is the word they want there. [Most of my status updates on FB regarding transition have been 1)the times people have called me "sir", b)working out stuff id est "50 chest presses! Yay!", or c) quotes from Whipping Girl and What Becomes You and various other places I find online.

also

Jun. 29th, 2010 11:51 am
agent_squeaks: (fuckbitches)
"Gender conformities, much? "
FUCK. YOU.
[you're the fucking president of our GLBT student org. And that is the response you give to me finally posting a definitive link to MY damn gender identity [the last couple links have been trans*-general this one is specifically an FtM link].

[and frickin' facebook is all wonky so i can't tell if you deleted it or if it just isn't showing up.]

but still: FUCK. YOU.

[i hope you didn't delete it and i hope my support group rakes you over the coals.]

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